Right, before I grow old and turn into a drooling vegetable, I’m going to attempt to remember everything that has happened in my life so far. I’ll start at the beginning. My birth.

YEAR ONE

I don’t really remember a lot about being born, I don’t suppose anybody does, apart from that one really irritating person (we’ll call him Mr Nobhead) that can remember taking his bin out on a Tuesday, instead of a Wednesday about three years ago.

Apparently, when I popped out of the hole, the nurse spotted I had two teeth. Two little ones at the front, I believe. I am unsure if I was actually munching on anything or speaking (swearwords knowing me) but I think this would explain why I wasn’t breast-fed. This, in turn, would also explain my fascination with boobies. Breasts, jugs, norks, hooters, titties, baps, tats, chesticles, top-bollocks, beautiful, wonderful breasts. At such a young age, the starvation of such a marvelous thing must have stuck in my mind. Also, the lack of natural breast milk has probably led me to be barking mad in later life. I may sue.

My parents were going to call me Adrian, but this soon altered when they saw a T.V. programme (don’t ask me which one, I haven’t got a clue) which contained two gay men on it, one of them was called Adrian. I was to be named Gavin Lee immediately. I would like to point out that my parents are not homophobes, they just didn’t want me to be teased at school or anything. Good job I had big ears as a kid instead then, isn’t it? That is a true story.

I was dropped on my head by my Sister, she claimed it to be an “accident” but I know different. It’s the jealous child syndrome, she was the first born, she was the chosen one, then I came along and took her crown. Life’s a bitch love.

“She dropped me on my head!”

I’ve learned that the things I did as a baby were pretty much the same things I do today. I’d lie in my cot for most of the day. I’d have my arse wiped for me. When I was hungry, I would cry for food. I would get winded after feeding. The only difference now is I can legally drink alcohol, whereas back then, it was put in my milk to help me sleep. (Citation needed)

So, to summarise, I had arrived on planet earth. I didn’t know anything, I didn’t care about anything, I just cried and shat. In the next few years though, that would all change… . .